An Unexpected Victory
by potodueser
Summary: Vash and Legato face off once again, but who will be the victor of this bizzare battle?
1. Vash vs Legato

_Disclaimer: All things I write now or in the future will involve characters, settings, and other items from an original author's imagination. I cannot lay claim to them, nor can I buy or inherit or trade anything for them. And let us hope that I take care to treat their creations better than the one thing I can lay claim to as my own—my car, which I abuse on a daily basis._

**While trying to finish a rather long, angsty chapter of my very long, angsty fic, I ran into a problem. I was feeling far too nice to put my heroes through the grotesque plot they were about to encounter. So I wrote something mildly amusing instead. This is also a test to see how this stuff works 'cuz I've never posted before.**

An Unexpected Victory

—dedicated to Kevin, who obnoxiously insisted on

referring to my beloved humanoid typhoon as "bipolar"

The gunman and the psychopath begin the face off with some typical hero/villain banter.

"So, Vash, you have come back for more pain."

"You're sick, Legato. You know that, right?"

"Surprising of you to pay me a compliment when you are so close to death."

"Let's just finish what we started."

"I have every intention of finishing. I have every intention of winning."

"Strange, I thought you were the one who wanted death. Now you say you want to beat me."  
  
"This is different! This is beyond you and me! I shall teach you the pain of living by making you suffer a most humiliating defeat. My philosophy has not changed. Merely my strategy."

"Well, we'll see who is right... and who is dead."

"You? You would kill me? You would ascend to that level?"

"No one has the right to take the life of another. You shall live a long life with your own self-inflicted misery. That, I will ensure."

"And you would add this wound of your own to my so-called 'masochistic' pain."

"Call it a bonus. I believe in winning too. Get started. You're stalling, you coward."

The battle that had been in full heat a few days earlier was getting off to a slow start. Victory was close at hand... for either. Spectators gathered to watch, placing side bets on who would bring the other down first. A hush fell over the crowd as Legato reached out a hand.

"Hey! No telepathing. And no telekinesis. We're both doing this thing handicapped, remember? I'm not allowed to use my arm and you're not allowed to use... well... uh... my arm."

Legato mumbled something about what's the use of being a god among insects if you can't demonstrate your power. He gritted his teeth and looked the humanoid typhoon straight in the eye. Time slowed. The opponents could hear their hearts beat. Slowly now, then faster... faster... it was deafening! What was he waiting for? Suddenly, the stillness was broken as Legato spoke the words that brought everything to an end.

"B... eight..."

"NOOOO!!!" Vash was horror-stricken. After all this time, to finally lose was unexpected and unbearable. He looked into the crowd and saw Meryl. That's it. He would face this defeat like the pillar of strength she saw him as. He stood slowly, raised his head... and cried out like a wounded chihuahua. "Battleship sunk!"

"HA! Your whole fleet... gone! I win! I win! I win all the donuts!" As Legato went into a comical victory dance, the baffled crowd watched, and two girls pushed their way through to follow the losing opponent.

"Aww, man. Aww... why does this stuff always happen to me?" Vash slumped over dejected as he walked slowly into the sunset.

So, you can review, I guess. PLEASE!! I won't beg. I'M ON MY KNEES! I don't need it. BESTOW UPON ME THE PRIASE MY LIFEFORCE REQUIRES! If you don't, I'll live. MAY MY DEATH BE UPON YOUR HEAD!!


	2. Vash vs Millie

_Disclaimer: All things I write now or in the future will involve characters, settings, and other items from an original author's imagination. I cannot lay claim to them, nor can I buy or inherit or trade anything for them. And let us hope that I take care to treat their creations better than the one thing I can lay claim to as my own—my car, which I abuse on a daily basis._

**Well, I actually have worked on my angst and started my poem. I think it will be good. I hope you enjoy this next chapter and are surprised at the end. If not, then, oh well, you must be pretty jaded. I'm sorry. Go watch the Muppets, that always helps.**

Another Unexpected Victory

—dedicated to Jim Hensen, who I only recently thought of because of the random Muppet line, and whose influence on me to write this story extends only to the fact that he made really cool movies and really cool characters that helped warp my brain enough to write this smack.

Meryl and Millie caught up to Vash easily enough. He was walking slowly, his face so downcast it seemed to fall right off his skull. _What fresh annoyance is this?_ Vash thought as the insurance girls approached.

"That was very careless of you! And all because of your inflated ego! Don't you feel humiliated?"

"Huh?" Vash turned to see Meryl walking upright, her finger and nose pointed towards the sky in that imperious, matter-of-fact manner she had. "Well, yeah. Duh. No need to remind me."

"You got what you deserved if you ask me."

"Meryl, don't be so mad at Mr. Vash. He obviously thought he could win the bet. It did seem easy, but everyone makes mistakes."

"But risking the last of his food supply just to prove he could win that stupid macho contest!"

"Hey, you know, you scream a lot." Vash said absently, "Wait!" Suddenly, Vash stood as tall as he could and turned to look Millie in the eye. "What do you mean it seemed _easy_."

Meryl gasped in horror as Vash's mouth set into a determined frown. His chin wrinkled and his eyes focused on the tall girl. It was a challenge. Millie smiled without hesitation, and her words sent a chill racing down Meryl's back. "I accept." Frustration and fear built up in Meryl chest until she could hold it in no longer.

"You can't do this! You can't go picking a fight with women, you scum! Millie! I forbid you to fight this battle! Are you forgetting you have a job to do! I thought you two liked PEACE!"

Neither party listened. The terms of battle were being discussed. Once engaged, each took their duty seriously. A duel once entered must be fought to the end. No quarter given; nothing at stake except their honor. The loser would suffer the humiliation of defeat; the victor would have no spoils except the knowledge of their own superiority.

Thus, the battle ensued between two once peace-loving, bright, happy individuals. A fiercer conflict never raged between friend or foe. Meryl saw a side of Millie most unexpected. Not even the two men who had fought so heatedly just hours before could match the absolute strength of will and tenacity that burned behind those fair blue eyes.

Millie put on her best poker face and proceeded to casually taunt her challenger. "You know, I always found I had a natural knack for this sort of thing. Even while studying the art with Sensei Bradley, he said I would one day surpass even him. Poor Milton never did recover from that crushing downfall."

Vash was ignoring her. He was searching for his next move. A maze of white and red swirled in his vision. _I must keep my mind clear._ He could only think of the thirst that ironically seem to drench him, and the cold blue eyes that bored into his.

Meryl stood afar off, not willing to witness this accursed spectacle a second time. Curiousity got the better of her; however, and she came to look across Millie's shoulder. Suddenly, she was almost knocked off her feet as Millie swept her huge stungun out of her cloak and pointed it straight at her.

"AAACCKKK! Millie! Put that away!"

"Trying to cheat are you? I... Meryl, I'm sorry. I thought you were Vash coming to look at my position." Millie smiled sweetly and put her gun away with a laugh. Her face turned to stone the instant she plopped herself back down to make her next move.

The battle raged almost silently for the next hour, the only sound the calls of the opponents' moves. Finally, it seemed to Meryl that someone must win, or she would die of anxiety.

"H-6"

"Miss. G-7"

"Miss. I-10"

"Hit! YOU..." Vash composed himself quickly. He had shown fear. Millie licked her lips as if she were feeding off of it, savoring it.

"Make your next move, if you dare, Vash the Stampede."

"I will. I was just... thinking." Sweat dripped off Vash's forehead and splashed onto the board in front of him. It hit just below F-8, the spot where the last empty hole if his last standing ship flickered hope into his frazzled mind. He glared into his opponent's eyes. They were immovable glass orbs of confidence. He smiled deviously and thought he saw fear flicker for a moment. A moment of unsurety. He had her.

"F-9."

"Mi...hey, wait." Millie looked down to be sure it was true. No. It couldn't be. Her ship, the little patrol boat that kept her fleet hanging on, was one short torpedo away from annihilation. She had to find Vash's weak point. One of two possible moves would sink him. Meryl felt the tension grow around her. She glanced at both players' boards and saw the dire situation. Millie gulped and spoke, "Hit. F-6!"

"Miss! Ha!" Vash surveyed his boards and noticed he was in the same predicament he suspected Millie had been in moments ago. He must choose the right vector point or his entire fleet, nay his very honor, would be sunk.

_Please, don't say F-10. Please, don't say F-10. Please, DON'T SAY F-10!_ Millie's panicked thoughts were broken abruptly. Vash had made his decision.

"F..."

A howling wind blew as loud as a train whistle and dust circled the players and the single, anxious spectator. It dissipated as quickly as it had come, and when it left the ghastly scene it revealed beckoned it's return to cover the carnage.

A figure, clad in red, stood with a grave look. A small girl walked towards one of the players with a canteen. As she splashed water on the face of the fallen figure on the ground, Vash heard the reviving moan and beamed. His walk into the sunset would be somewhat altered this time. Still ridiculous, he was now singing and dancing and joyously spinning to his own melody as he traveled alone.

"If your quite finished being silly, we have work to do."

Millie sobbed, but stood up and followed her friend as they walked slowly after the bounding victor.

**Houtaru Bluesummers**- I'm glad you can outweird that. What would the world be if that was the extent of weirdness. Boring! Would love to read your work, if you have any.

**Singingharp**- Ha! Who would've thought that I'd actually write more and have chapters and author's notes and stuff. Who would've thought that I'd do it at 2am. I guess I did. I'm glad you would watch the show more if I wrote it, but I think I like it better written by Mr. Nightow. Just forget about the cartoon aspect and listen to the heart of the story. You're good at listening with your heart. (You listen with your blood-pumping muscle?)

**Classy Raven**- I'm glad you like it. Glad I could bring mirth to your day. Thanks for suggesting I continue too. It took me a while, but I did put in a new chapter. I think Vash vs. Inuyasha would be hilarious, but I don't know enough about Inuyasha to write it successfully. I don't even know why Shesshumaru would kill Knives for trying to kill Rem. I thought he was the bad guy?

**SadieElfgirl**- bows in the presence of the grand authoress and humbly thanks her for reviewing I'm glad you like the last chapter, which was written about, oh... 3 months ago! See why I'm waiting till my angst is done to post it? Well, I did write more, as you requested, if you even remember requesting it. Thank you for taking the time to read my drivle, even as I sigh when I think of the superiority of your own dri... I mean work, yes, literary masterpieces, they are.

**TaupeRock**- Even though you've all probably forgotten about me, I have written more. If you're reading this, I really appreciate your review and hope that you, and the rest of the people who reviewed even though they weren't forced to by my friendships with them, will do so again.

**Sephiroth2021**- Thanks for reviewing. I have often wondered wheterh or not I could beat certain villains in games such as Taboo, Othello, Parcheesi, and, of course, Tiddlywinks. Okay, I haven't, but it would make an interesting story.

**Elvingirl3737**- Ah, my good buddy. My first and faithful reviewer. I hope you like this second chapter. I have almost completed Chapter 4 for you to beta. I'm sure it will be done by the time you come in January. Or maybe not. Thanks for your review and compliments. I am undeserving, as I'm sure you know, having betaed much more stunning works than mine could dare hope to be.


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